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GO:Simple Future vs. Present.. by quantum-witch GO:Simple Future vs. Present.. by quantum-witch
TITLE: "Simple Future vs. Present Perfect"


FANDOM: Good Omens
WHO: Crowley, Aziraphale Gaiman, Pratchett
NOTES: 1st prize for ~zelu for the #goodomens club "20th anniversary contest:

Prompt was "Crowley and Aziraphale at a bible
auction". Boy did I get carried away.

Okay...

Leviticus 18:22 = homos are evil (so they tell me, but they're idiots). But here's the thing - verses 1-20 are all about "no sexing with so and so", then all of a sudden 21 goes off on a weird tangent like the writer got totally distracted by something, then returns to say "no gay sexing" in verse 22, and then "no animal sexing" in 23... so what if the writer was embarrassed by his own lustful thoughts, both of boys and sheep? Yeah, I'm disgusting, live with it.

The bible verses were copied from real antique publications so I could reference the Middle English wording. Of course verse 22 is entirely my own.

Oh, and the numbers - 7 is "god's number" and 616 is actually the original "number of the beast", according to earliest translations.
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:iconaxeldemkakashi:
AxelDemKakashi Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013
Bibles are funny like this - apparently you can't wear clothes made of more than one fabric/material. Brilliant Strip - One question though: how would Crowley get it home if he can't touch it? maybe that would be a funny comic - crowley repeatedly trying to pick up a bible while totally hammered lol
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:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013
*lol* I suspect he carries those heavy rubber gloves with him, the ones he used to handle the holy water ;) But drunk off his ass would be quite amusing -- he'd have to get Aziraphale to apply topical burn cream to his hands afterward.
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:iconaxeldemkakashi:
AxelDemKakashi Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013
Lol true, i forgot about those gloves. i could imagine him drunk just going "ouch" *touch* "ouch" *touch* "ouch" *touch* like a moth to a light. Yeah Zira gets all the bad jobs lol but he secretly cares
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:iconartykawaii:
Artykawaii Featured By Owner May 6, 2011
Leviticus makes me lol

Because it says women must not cut their hair.....

which means I'm already going to hell.
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:iconpockypuck:
PockyPuck Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2010
*endless snickering* Yeah, but the Bentley's probably seen a lot more action than Aziraphale can give it by just driving. XD

That is too funny. I like your 'misprint'--wouldn't it be great if that was the real thing?
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:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2010
except for having its gearbox stripped out *cringe*

i'm convinced it IS the real thing
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:iconpockypuck:
PockyPuck Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2010
Eeeeeeek. XD

Let us preach this! 8D ...Wait, that involves work. Let's not.
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:iconmegalisa830:
MegaLisa830 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Ha, I had to research those verses to understand what your description meant, and to understand your joke, and added verse.. :XD: That's hilarious though! Plus, I love the Middle English as well, very poetic. :)

And I love their expressions, Crowley's smirk and Aziraphale's surprised look. :) And their outfits, auction numbers, and the coloring. And all the word bubbles and fonts.

And not that sex between these two is a bad thing (hardly so!), the joke twist was very funny! :) Had me laughing.
Reply
:iconatemozzarella:
AteMozzarella Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2010  Student General Artist
Oh dear, the bible is full of the misprints of crazy religious nuts over the years.

ahhhh well oAo Work of man, work of man.

Also, the Bentley. :3
Reply
:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2010
all you have to consider is how many translations and editors it's had over the centuries... gods know if it's even the same book from the first copy... that was probably a cookbook or something
Reply
:iconkristinalinda:
Kristinalinda Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2010
Hey girl, long time, no comment; as I've not really had much time to do deviant watching in a while. So I am really looking forward to looking at all the new (to me!) GO work that has appeared since i've last checked out your page. And of course this one is frickin hilarious! I always thought that the idea of perverted biblical passages in middle english were a stroke of genius lol. There is something vaguely monty pythonesque about it isn't there? :-) It reminds me of the passage about the Holy Hand Grenade in Monty Python and the Holy Grail lol. Ok, well thats enough rambling for now. Hope you've been doing well!
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:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2010
i suspect the pythoners spent too much time reading things in search of pr0n (like most of us do)
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:iconphoneix-faerie:
Phoneix-Faerie Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
aww yay he gets to drive :D
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:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2010
and he doesn't even have a license! XD
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:iconphoneix-faerie:
Phoneix-Faerie Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
XD ah well! he will be instructed well!
Reply
:icondarkestelemental616:
DarkestElemental616 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Which is why my username is what it is. :P

Nice to see you alive again!
Reply
:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2010
awesomesauce! :D so few people know that

(actually, i'm a zombie now... alternative lifestyle)
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:iconhammyclammy:
hammyclammy Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2010  Professional Writer
Oh, I missed your art~ Heh, now I'm picturing Crowley's face as Aziraphale /tries/ to drive....wonderful! xD
Reply
:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2010
i missed my art, too :( it's not been a fantastic year so far

his face probably looks something like this :XD:
Reply
:iconhammyclammy:
hammyclammy Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2010  Professional Writer
:hug: I'm so sorry; I really, really hope you feel better. ]:

Ahahaha, probably! xD
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:iconzelu:
zelu Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
:dance: oh god :$ I love they talk details!!!!and cute cr&azi. l like they sitting posture :D
thanks you mode/// i happy all day :$
Reply
:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
i am so happy you like it! :heart: :love:
Reply
:iconyukikousagi:
yukikousagi Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Professional Artist
It's very cute and funny, however I feel like I may be the only one not getting the joke (probably because I haven't read a bible since I was 12). :XD:

The punchline was great, though! I can just imagine Aziraphale going once around the block at 5 miles--er, kilometers?-- per hour, then stopping back in front of the shop, white-knuckled and shaking. "My goodness! That's quite enough adventure for one day, I should think." *totters back inside for some very Irish tea*
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:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
but you're right, i shouldn't have assumed the joke would be obvious... so i wrote a little descriptive in the artist's notes :)
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:iconyukikousagi:
yukikousagi Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Professional Artist
Hmm, I got that it was a reference to the "gayz r evil, hurrr" part of Leviticus, but I wasn't sure if you'd replaced a line or added one or changed a word or what, not having the source material to compare.

Now that I've looked up the original passage, it makes more sense, as I can see that you've entirely replaced the 22nd line with something much more hilarious and fitting in the narrative.
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:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2010
yeah, putting in a whole new section that destroyed the original concept entirely by implying that it was written by the ultimate closet case seemed best :XD: the sheep just sort of happened
Reply
:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
that's the thing, i like making people have to do a little research ;) inside jokes are sometimes the best ones (if it's something that other people can figure out on their own)

hehehehe :XD: yes, he probably would be just as shaken as crowley after that... he'll stick with velocipedes, thank you
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:iconhalobender:
halobender Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
So Aziraphale drives the Bentley long and hard, all night long, riding it full speed until the rubber's melting, pumping the accelerator and grinding the gears as his sweaty, manicured hands grip the wheel and jerk it until Crowley's sobbing for mercy because his poor, infernal motor just can't take this kind of prolonged abuse...right?


Yes. It is always about sex.
Reply
:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
nailed it, right on the head


INORITE?
Reply
:icondessartem:
DessArtem Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
....Yes >.> XD And you now have to draw Zira driving the Bentley. Or else.
Reply
:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
hah, no way :XD: crowley's mad enough that i even suggested it was possible
Reply
:icondessartem:
DessArtem Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Well, too bad, Crowley, you're the one who offered it to Azi and he did let you have that Bible, so ;p
Reply
:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
at least crowley had to pay out the nose for it
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:icondessartem:
DessArtem Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
XD True.
Reply
:iconv-chan10:
V-chan10 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
awesome. :) Azi and the bentley just doesn't connect in my mind... unless he's a passenger and/or screaming his head off.
Reply
:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
hehe, too true :XD: let's just say he drove it about two feet and then crowley made him stop (while crying)
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:iconv-chan10:
V-chan10 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
Yeah. Then Crowley went and took the Bentley for a nice, fast, long drive with Azi screaming in the passenger seat. While muttering that the 'horribly nice man will never touch your steering wheel ever again.' (He takes some amount of vicious amusement out of a hysterical angel)
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:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
the bentley no doubt thanked him for it :XD:
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:iconv-chan10:
V-chan10 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
Of course. XD The Bentley does not like the nice manicured nails digging into its steering wheel. It hurts. Plus, Azi drives too slow for the Bentley to enjoy being driven.
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:iconchitter-box-kat:
Chitter-Box-Kat Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
Haha! Quite the trade there.
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:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
not entirely fair and balanced ;)
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:iconchitter-box-kat:
Chitter-Box-Kat Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2010
Just the way they like it.
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:iconladyjet2:
LadyJet2 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Professional General Artist
heheheh X3 awesome sauce X3
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:iconquantum-witch:
quantum-witch Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010
thanks :D
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:iconladyjet2:
LadyJet2 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2010  Professional General Artist
welcome! X3
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