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Health update #8
4 min read
Having shingles on my right hand, plus neuropathy, was a two month slogging trek through Hell. I only managed because I have an amazing spouse who took incredible care of me, and because I was kind of astrally projecting a few inches outside my corporeal form the entire time to escape the pain. I literally couldn't see straight, walk straight, or feel any emotions. I barely spoke some days, I was so disoriented by the pain. The first two weeks, I probably only ate one meal every other day as I simply didn't feel hunger and could hardly taste anything. I was freezing all the time, but my hand couldn't endure even tepid water or the touch of clothing. The pulsing of pain in my hand was inescapable by most normal means, and even pain meds barely made a dent (cannabis didn't even help, wtf). When I could sleep, I still awoke every two hours for two straight months, staggered to the freezer to exchange my ice pack, crawled back in bed and literally passed out until the ice pack melted again. It was, literally, the definition of torture, with the amount of unrelenting pain I had to endure. It was absolutely constant, 24/7, no exaggeration whatsoever.
The resulting sheer numbness of my fingers has been a blessing in comparison to that. And yes, I got a bit downhearted the last two weeks, no thanks to a really irresponsible doctor...
But today, I finally some encouraging news! I did my first physical therapy, which consisted of some range of motion exercises, some strength training, and a few minutes of electrical stimulation with ice packs on top. After each thing, the PT guy asked if my numbness was worse, better or the same, and each result I had apparently was the correct one to show IMPROVEMENT IS ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE. In fact, he said it was "virtually a guarantee", we just have to convince the nerves to work again after being assaulted by the virus. I'm ready to fucking convince them! I'm elated over this.
He also said that my shingles location and complete neuropathy (i.e. ulnar nerve with no signal) was so rare that medical journals should study my recovery. If he finds someone interested, I told him to point them my way and I'd talk to them. It makes sense really, because my situation was probably one in a million and virtually no one has seen this happen, so it's worth studying for future cases. I was pretty lucky that my GP doc had actually seen hand shingles before -- literally a week before I got mine -- so at least she knew it was possible.
The fact that my right hand has been damaged twice in the last five years was pretty much the reason it got the brunt of the shingles outbreak. It seems to attack your weakest point (if there is one), often after a great deal of stress, and boy did I have a massively stressful year just before it hit me. Additionally my entire family, on both sides, has a STRONG tendency to get shingles more than once. My nearest in age cousin, who is a couple months younger than me, has had it twice already. Now I have to wait a year for the virus to be fully dormant before I can get the vaccine, which I will be getting the moment it's possible, and my brother's wife is pressuring him to get the shot for his 50th birthday next year because no fucking WAY do they want to deal with this shit.
For now, I'll be working at this twice a week in PT for the rest of November, then we might up it to three times a week through December. Damn it, by spring time I may well have functioning hands again! This is all such an amazing relief for my state of mind! That stupid ass doctor last week had no clue what to do unless it involved stabbing something with a needle, and she was so weird I have to wonder how often she's injected herself with painkillers.
The resulting sheer numbness of my fingers has been a blessing in comparison to that. And yes, I got a bit downhearted the last two weeks, no thanks to a really irresponsible doctor...
But today, I finally some encouraging news! I did my first physical therapy, which consisted of some range of motion exercises, some strength training, and a few minutes of electrical stimulation with ice packs on top. After each thing, the PT guy asked if my numbness was worse, better or the same, and each result I had apparently was the correct one to show IMPROVEMENT IS ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE. In fact, he said it was "virtually a guarantee", we just have to convince the nerves to work again after being assaulted by the virus. I'm ready to fucking convince them! I'm elated over this.
He also said that my shingles location and complete neuropathy (i.e. ulnar nerve with no signal) was so rare that medical journals should study my recovery. If he finds someone interested, I told him to point them my way and I'd talk to them. It makes sense really, because my situation was probably one in a million and virtually no one has seen this happen, so it's worth studying for future cases. I was pretty lucky that my GP doc had actually seen hand shingles before -- literally a week before I got mine -- so at least she knew it was possible.
The fact that my right hand has been damaged twice in the last five years was pretty much the reason it got the brunt of the shingles outbreak. It seems to attack your weakest point (if there is one), often after a great deal of stress, and boy did I have a massively stressful year just before it hit me. Additionally my entire family, on both sides, has a STRONG tendency to get shingles more than once. My nearest in age cousin, who is a couple months younger than me, has had it twice already. Now I have to wait a year for the virus to be fully dormant before I can get the vaccine, which I will be getting the moment it's possible, and my brother's wife is pressuring him to get the shot for his 50th birthday next year because no fucking WAY do they want to deal with this shit.
For now, I'll be working at this twice a week in PT for the rest of November, then we might up it to three times a week through December. Damn it, by spring time I may well have functioning hands again! This is all such an amazing relief for my state of mind! That stupid ass doctor last week had no clue what to do unless it involved stabbing something with a needle, and she was so weird I have to wonder how often she's injected herself with painkillers.
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Health update #7
3 min read
Happy freaking Halloween to me. No, I did NOT get those shots. I drove half an hour through heavy snow to not get those damned shots. I fought vertigo off this morning in order to make that fucking drive. I bit back two panic attacks while sitting in the waiting room for those mother fucking shots I didn't get. I endured two old men in that waiting room, who tried to joke with me about my bluetooth headphone ("hey you got a cigar in your ear") then when I ignored them to text my husband they complained I was "acting like a kid with my face stuck to my phone", and I just wanted to fucking SCREAM. Old dudes, I hope whatever physical therapy, etc. your misogynist bloated asses were there to get hurts like hell today, and that your cars don't start when you're leaving. Suck on my swollen leaking rage as I ram its pulsing length down your throats.
Wow, I feel especially violent right now.
Anyway.
Wow, I feel especially violent right now.
Anyway.
The doctor was worse than them, in her own way. I rarely call people a "space case", because I myself have been one on thousands of occasions. But I honest to fucking gods wonder if she's always high, because she can't look me in the eye at all. It's more like her own eyes just wander around my face trying to catch the words coming out of my mouth and never quite getting enough of them to understand WTF I'm saying.
First she misunderstood which hand was getting injections. Then when she started to work on the RIGHT hand, misunderstood that I was getting the ulnar nerve done. Then she -- wait for it -- LEFT THE ROOM TO GET MY CHART because it wasn't there. Then finally she said "shingles neuralgia isn't treatable like this and there's really nothing you can do for it, or any kind of nerve that's already going numb, and even surgery might be pointless."
Mother. Fucking. Unbelievable. Bullshit. So my appointment was pointless. And the doctor is also pointless.
She ordered physical therapy for me, but I'll bite my own numb fingers right down to the bone before I'll go back to that place. I asked them to fax the EMG results from last week to my regular doctor who treated my shingles (and the horribly burned skin after the insane one gave me lidocaine patches), and she can find me a different PT clinic, probably the one five minutes from home that my husband is using.
Ultimately, the fact still remains that I may never get back full use of either hand so, yes, I'm still somewhat depressed. Honestly though, that feeling is being overwhelmed by my EXTREME ANGER. It's kind of like I'm balancing on a tightrope over a black hole, but a familiar one that I've beaten enough times that it ought to be fucking afraid of ME instead.
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Health update #6
3 min read
A couple months have passed with no changes to my situation, no improvement to my fingers & hand, and slowly withdrawing from the medications because they're not actually accomplishing anything useful anymore.
Then a couple weeks ago, I woke up with my LEFT hand also numb and tingling. I already knew I had some carpal tunnel in that hand and worried that it would flare up after having to rely entirely on it while the right was impossible to use. And in the last two weeks, I've woken every morning with some numbness in the left hand that usually fades away. But I figured it was time to get a nerve conduction test done, so I did that last Friday and got the results today. Holy fucking shit. Basically I'm kinda screwed, and it finally led me to tears.
Left hand: I have some problems with both cubital tunnel and carpal tunnel, which HOPEFULLY we can overcome with braces and physical therapy. I'm going to pray that it doesn't require surgery or what my poor husband had to endure (multiple injections of platelet enriched plasma in multiple locations on his elbow). Right hand: The nerve damage from shingles is extensive, to the point where the electromyography couldn't even get signals from my ulnar nerve at all. Let me tell you, that test HURT. A LOT. It was basically shocking me over and over, and still wasn't able to find the nerve. So my options for recovery are really limited at the moment. I'll be going for injections to bring down the extreme swelling of the ulnar nerve along with physical therapy. At the moment, I don't exactly have a lot of hope for quick recovery, and no hope at all for *complete* improvement.
Basically... I will probably never have back the full use of my drawing hand, at least not with the sort of dexterity that I'm used to. Sure, I managed to get back enough strength that I can type for up to an hour before my fingers become useless. Sure, I managed to practice writing enough to sign my name to a check, though it still doesn't look the same. And sure, I managed four years ago to re-learn how to use that hand after trigger finger surgery, and five years ago after falling and ripping the palm up.
But I'm so. Fucking. Tired. I have pushed and pushed myself to get better so many times already. It was unfair as fucking hell. A fucking virus raised up, grabbed me by the throat, slammed me into the ground and all but choked me to death with pain like I never imagined I could endure. And until now, I've refused to be depressed over it because that would only slow my recovery time. Until now... fucking hell, now I can't fight any more and depression has claimed me today.
Yet what fucking choice do I have? As it stands, I won't be participating in this year's GOE because of this. Honestly though, I just want to be able to draw at ALL.
Then a couple weeks ago, I woke up with my LEFT hand also numb and tingling. I already knew I had some carpal tunnel in that hand and worried that it would flare up after having to rely entirely on it while the right was impossible to use. And in the last two weeks, I've woken every morning with some numbness in the left hand that usually fades away. But I figured it was time to get a nerve conduction test done, so I did that last Friday and got the results today. Holy fucking shit. Basically I'm kinda screwed, and it finally led me to tears.
Left hand: I have some problems with both cubital tunnel and carpal tunnel, which HOPEFULLY we can overcome with braces and physical therapy. I'm going to pray that it doesn't require surgery or what my poor husband had to endure (multiple injections of platelet enriched plasma in multiple locations on his elbow). Right hand: The nerve damage from shingles is extensive, to the point where the electromyography couldn't even get signals from my ulnar nerve at all. Let me tell you, that test HURT. A LOT. It was basically shocking me over and over, and still wasn't able to find the nerve. So my options for recovery are really limited at the moment. I'll be going for injections to bring down the extreme swelling of the ulnar nerve along with physical therapy. At the moment, I don't exactly have a lot of hope for quick recovery, and no hope at all for *complete* improvement.
Basically... I will probably never have back the full use of my drawing hand, at least not with the sort of dexterity that I'm used to. Sure, I managed to get back enough strength that I can type for up to an hour before my fingers become useless. Sure, I managed to practice writing enough to sign my name to a check, though it still doesn't look the same. And sure, I managed four years ago to re-learn how to use that hand after trigger finger surgery, and five years ago after falling and ripping the palm up.
But I'm so. Fucking. Tired. I have pushed and pushed myself to get better so many times already. It was unfair as fucking hell. A fucking virus raised up, grabbed me by the throat, slammed me into the ground and all but choked me to death with pain like I never imagined I could endure. And until now, I've refused to be depressed over it because that would only slow my recovery time. Until now... fucking hell, now I can't fight any more and depression has claimed me today.
Yet what fucking choice do I have? As it stands, I won't be participating in this year's GOE because of this. Honestly though, I just want to be able to draw at ALL.
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Health update #5
2 min read
Nearly a month since the last detailed update. Sort of forgot to do it, with everything else that's been going on. But it's all good news this time and not despairing anymore.
My ring finger is nearly back to normal, and the pinky finger, while still more numb than I'd like, is mostly usable and not in pain now. The palm feels more tight than tingly, but it's really just annoying and not painful. The doctors agree that I will regain ALL usage of my fingers in perhaps another month, because if it was going to be permanent I wouldn't have even this much improvement by now. I'm so incredibly relieved at this prognosis.
So many other things have distracted me from doing an update sooner. I've been taking my time, going slowly towards healing, and just not worrying myself about it. And I think that maybe that might have helped a lot. 
It's been hard NOT to worry at times, because (according to my doctor) this was actually a VERY SEVERE outbreak of shingles, and it really did utterly disable me from doing anything normal for two entire months. But I'm honestly seeing light at the end of this stupid tunnel now.
It's been hard NOT to worry at times, because (according to my doctor) this was actually a VERY SEVERE outbreak of shingles, and it really did utterly disable me from doing anything normal for two entire months. But I'm honestly seeing light at the end of this stupid tunnel now. It will still be a slow recovery, because the neuropathy takes as long as it takes and there's nothing that will make it heal faster. So all my artistic plans are on hold until further notice, as I can barely write my name, let alone draw complex characters. I may go for physical therapy after the numbness dies down a bit more, just to re-educate my fingers and hand to work properly. Meanwhile, I CAN type waaay better and for longer periods of time now, so I might attempt to work on writing certain stories.
This has been one of the roughest experiences of my life, and definitely THE MOST PAINFUL overall. But I survived it with the help of my amazing husband (and to a lesser extent, my dumb cat). I thank everyone for well-wishes and offers of help. You've all been very patient and understanding.
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Health updates #3 + 4
4 min read
Cont'd from this journal entry: Health updates #1 & #2
21 July 2019
Things are a bit better, but I still have a long way to go before it's "better-better".
The skin on my ring & pinky fingers is healed, and peeling like a bad sunburn. The ring finger is mostly usable for short periods (such as typing) though the tip is a bit numb still, and I really cannot overuse it or the whole hand starts to tingle. The pinky is not really much better, and has frequent throbbing pains. Fortunately I no longer have the urge to vomit if that occurs, so I guess that counts as "improvement". Unless I accidently bump it against something solid... like clothing, lol. And all the weird little pin-prick holes are slowly disappearing as well, thank fucking gods, because it creeped me out something fierce. *shudder*
Now that I can use my hand a LITTLE better, I'm trying to catch up on responses to individual people. I've got a TON of comments on old Good Omens fics, wowza. And even more on Vulgarweed's fics that I illustrated... but I won't bother with about 80% of those because the people choose to comment on the FIC ONLY and not even mention or acknowledge there is artwork included (seriously, how fucking hard is it to say "oooh, artwork!", if nothing else? I worked at least as hard on that as she did on the writing, ya jerkwads).
Hah, I guess if I can feel anything other than pain or light-headedness caused by pain (such as annoyance at randos on the internet) then I must be well over the hump and on my way to being healed. Fingers crossed for full recovery VERY SOON. Your fingers, not mine, because that's still a task I can't do, lol.
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29 July 2019
Not sure whether it's my tendency to overdo EVERYthing once I start feeling a bit better, or if this is just one of those bumps in the road you encounter during recovery, but the weekend SUCKED. I was experiencing more motion in my ring finger and much less tingling & zapping of nerves in my pinky (though it still wasn't functiong). Then on Friday night, the ring finger went crazy and I had to take painkillers again, which I hate doing.Anyway, after icing the living hell out of my hand each night until it was mostly numb, I seem to be back where I was on Thursday. Still tingling more than I'd like on the palm and back of the hand, but I can't do much about it anymore.
Additional annoyance is the utter weakness I am feeling all over my body, thanks to being in pain for so long that my muscles are like overcooked spaghetti now. I have fallen in the yard, bruising and scratching my left shin from knee to ankle. I also somehow pulled a muscle in my groin on that side, like a week later, and now it's a bit painful to even walk.
I really do fear how long this will last. I've read terrible stories about the neuralgia lasting YEARS after getting shingles. And I have to say, sincerely, I'd probably lose my godsdamned mind completely if that happened... literally unable to do the things that I would die without (to write, to draw, even to fucking cook). So if you have a god to pray to, pray that doesn't happen. I'm so tired of feigning hopefulness and trying to make jokes of this condition. I'm out of strength now.
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